Swiffer WETJET Mops Are Derailing American Lives.

My apartment still feels nothing like home, and even worse, I’m sitting here reading the directions to my Swiffer WETJET mop. Summmmmer Friddddday, woo!

My mop, let’s call it Swiffy, isn’t spraying the secret sauce (cleaning formula) when I push the button. My bathroom tile definitely needs extra secret sauce because it’s no where near what I can only guess was the original color, white. But no spray is coming out! Nada. Nothing happens no matter how many times I repeatedly push the button, which 100 percent works on crowded elevators. Brushing around with a dry cleaning pad saddled onto Swiffy isn’t going to do anything but burn calories. Not a bad gain, but I would also like to clean my floor. I’m a modern woman who can workout her dominate arm AND make the floor shiny, too. I am showing women that you can have it all, every day. But not really, because I can’t figure out how to work my mop. My Swiffy just ain’t jiffy.


I’m excited because I just got my delivery from Crate&Barrel! I bought a new laundry basket with wheels, (notice, I say with not on wheels because I can’t get the wheels onto it), a small bathroom trash basket and matching tissue box cover, two pretty sea foam color towels, and what I needed most, a rug for my bathroom floor that actually fits inside the bathroom! It’s big, guys. As in, like big news. It’s not a big rug. It’s actually much smaller than what it’s replacing.

My problem with Swiffy came about because I don’t want to put my nice, new, sea foam color bath rug on a dirty floor. Logically, this would end the world. And, it would be gross.

And then, just now, it hit me (the truth not the mop)… maybe it’s not Swiffy’s fault. Maybe, it’s the same problem for ALL the Swiffer WET JET mops, and it turns out, all along none of the mops actually spray secret sauce. It’s a mind trap. Have you ever really investigated as to whether or not your Swiffer mop is really shooting out the cleaning stuff? How often in this busy life do we not stop for moment and look up to see where we’re going, or look down to see what we’re mopping, too often! I don’t think I’ve ever paused in my day-to-day jaunt through life to examine the bottom of my, or any, mop. So, if we’re not cleaning our floors with these super handy, easy, must-have, cleaning tools, then what does this mean for us as consumers…? We’re all just brushing around dirt and burning dominate arm calories while ‘The Man’ aka, the corporation who makes Swiffer WETJET, collects our hard earned dollars!

And these gadgets are not cheap! Mine was a pricey 30 dollars at WalMart… Guys, at WalMart. That kind of money there means I had to get someone wearing a blue employee vest, who hopefully worked there, to get a key to unlock the glass case where they keep really luxe brands, like Swiffer. Yet, despite my investment– here I am– with my fancy floor mop and my still dirty floor. Does this seem right to you? I hope not.

I started wondering, how long have we blindly allowed this cruel corporate foolery to go on? When did the day arrive that Swiffer first sought to ruin what was once a nice, clean, family-friendly chore called mopping and to turn their product into not just a cleaning device, but a device to capture souls into its CEO’s tyrant grip? What would our world look like today if we’d never allowed these varmints into our homes, our private lives and our bathrooms?

I will tell you one thing, for sure: It would look like a lot more clean floors.

And while I was asking all these brave questions about the powerful history of Swiffer WETJET mops, I read the instructions on the package. Turns out, I need to insert a couple AA batteries prior to using it so that the spray comes out! Oopsie, sorry guys… No worries. It’s my bad. Swiffer, we are totally cool. Thanks again for cleaning our floors all these years.

Published by

Steph Doan


One thought on “Swiffer WETJET Mops Are Derailing American Lives.”

  1. I don’t care for the Swiffer and I think they are a waste of money. I use a microfiber mop and ringer bucket I got at Home Depot. Perfect results every time!


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