A photo posted by stephrosedoan (@stephrosedoan) on Feb 12, 2015 at 2:47pm PST
Happy Birthday, Mama Goose! I’m so v. thankful we were able to talk you into the silliness of celebrating your “Halfy Birthday!” Not only was it the day you turned a 1/2 year older but it also marked 6-months of fighting cancer like a bad Mama Jama. I am so proud of you! Thank you for being my world, my moon, my guiding star and my entire galaxy for 24 years.
My apartment still feels nothing like home, and even worse, I’m sitting here reading the directions to my Swiffer WETJET mop. Summmmmer Friddddday, woo!
My mop, let’s call it Swiffy, isn’t spraying the secret sauce (cleaning formula) when I push the button. My bathroom tile definitely needs extra secret sauce because it’s no where near what I can only guess was the original color, white. But no spray is coming out! Nada. Nothing happens no matter how many times I repeatedly push the button, which 100 percent works on crowded elevators. Brushing around with a dry cleaning pad saddled onto Swiffy isn’t going to do anything but burn calories. Not a bad gain, but I would also like to clean my floor. I’m a modern woman who can workout her dominate arm AND make the floor shiny, too. I am showing women that you can have it all, every day. But not really, because I can’t figure out how to work my mop. My Swiffy just ain’t jiffy.
I’m excited because I just got my delivery from Crate&Barrel! I bought a new laundry basket with wheels, (notice, I say with not on wheels because I can’t get the wheels onto it), a small bathroom trash basket and matching tissue box cover, two pretty sea foam color towels, and what I needed most, a rug for my bathroom floor that actually fits inside the bathroom! It’s big, guys. As in, like bignews. It’s not a big rug. It’s actually much smaller than what it’s replacing.
My problem with Swiffy came about because I don’t want to put my nice, new, sea foam color bath rug on a dirty floor. Logically, this would end the world. And, it would be gross.
And then, just now, it hit me (the truth not the mop)… maybe it’s not Swiffy’s fault. Maybe, it’s the same problem for ALL the Swiffer WET JET mops, and it turns out, all along none of the mops actually spray secret sauce. It’s a mind trap. Have you ever really investigated as to whether or not your Swiffer mop is really shooting out the cleaning stuff? How often in this busy life do we not stop for moment and look up to see where we’re going, or look down to see what we’re mopping, too often! I don’t think I’ve ever paused in my day-to-day jaunt through life to examine the bottom of my, or any, mop. So, if we’re not cleaning our floors with these super handy, easy, must-have, cleaning tools, then what does this mean for us as consumers…? We’re all just brushing around dirt and burning dominate arm calories while ‘The Man’ aka, the corporation who makes Swiffer WETJET, collects our hard earned dollars!
And these gadgets are not cheap! Mine was a pricey 30 dollars at WalMart… Guys, at WalMart. That kind of money there means I had to get someone wearing a blue employee vest, who hopefully worked there, to get a key to unlock the glass case where they keep really luxe brands, like Swiffer. Yet, despite my investment– here I am– with my fancy floor mop and my still dirty floor. Does this seem right to you? I hope not.
I started wondering, how long have we blindly allowed this cruel corporate foolery to go on? When did the day arrive that Swiffer first sought to ruin what was once a nice, clean, family-friendly chore called mopping and to turn their product into not just a cleaning device, but a device to capture souls into its CEO’s tyrant grip? What would our world look like today if we’d never allowed these varmints into our homes, our private lives and our bathrooms?
I will tell you one thing, for sure: It would look like a lot more clean floors.
And while I was asking all these brave questions about the powerful history of Swiffer WETJET mops, I read the instructions on the package. Turns out, I need to insert a couple AA batteries prior to using it so that the spray comes out! Oopsie, sorry guys… No worries. It’s my bad. Swiffer, we are totally cool. Thanks again for cleaning our floors all these years.
This morning I almost competed on the preliminary tryouts of The Voice. This sounds like very exciting news but it’s actually not. In fact, my almost audition caused me to almost miss my Megabus ride.
Believe it or not, I was not trying to become America’s next big singing talent at 5:45am this morning… I was just standing in the wrong line for a very long time.
I’d like to blame the early hour for my prolonged confusion… because, I stayed in line for The Voice tryouts for over 20 minutes. It was long enough for me along with my fellow contestants to be led by an official-looking cowherd around the corner, then separated into a groups of four, and almost to the convention center’s doors.
Yes, it all seemed a bit odd to me. But I haven’t ridden a Megabus except once junior year of college and I’m very unfamiliar with its ways. All I thought was: I hope we all fit on the bus!
It seemed like A LOT of people to all fit onto one bus headed to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That was one of the reason I first started to feel nervous early on while waiting in line. It also seemed a bit much how everyone’s family and friends was waiting in line with them to a certain point and then hugging and kissing them goodbye… waving furiously as they left. I was like, come on, people this isn’t the Titanic… I mean I know buses can be a bit rough but this is a little much. (Alright, maybe I was just a little jealous!) However, what I wasn’t feeling was any nervousness that I had mistakenly stepped in line to audition for a national singing competition on a live TV show. I have LOTS of natural anxiety and would definitely coin myself as a worrier, but this isn’t one the fears that commonly crosses my mind.
I did, instead, grow super stressed because no one else in line had luggage with them. I was the ONLY PERSON with a rolling suitcase… Everyone else had a purse or a small backpack, and one lady had a fanny-pack a purse but that was the most I saw anyone else carrying. Except for the handful of people, mostly all guys, who carried GIANT acoustic guitar cases. So naturally, my first thoughts after processing this:
Omg, they must only allow one carryon item no bigger than a small personal belonging such as a purse, backpack or fanny-pack per person, or guitar cases are allowed as the exception.
I began thinking up some casual, yet dramatic, excuses as to why I needed to bring my rolling suitcase along (i.e., special assistance needs, or I’m on my way to a friend’s or better yetmy cousin’ssister’s my wedding and my gown is stuffed inside my suitcase… No, no, don’t worry about finding hanging space. I’ll have my bridesmaids steam it once I arrive at the ceremony’s location in Pittsburgh via a Megabus. Bride on a budget, #amIright?) Also, I was mad-dogging it & gearing up to fight the Man, aka the Megasbus crew. If an acoustic guitar case is allowed it’s only fair if my same-sized suitcase is allowed onboard. I even brainstormed maneuvers to stuff my designer Rebecca Minkoff handbag into it to condense.
It was finally when the security guys started yelling at our group, I knew I had real worries. ”
Okay, if you’re in this line it’s because your reservation ticket says 7am, ONLY! No one else should be in this line!” I panicked. I turned to the mom and her son in line behind me.
I said: Wait, did he say 7am? My ticket’s for departure at 6:10am!
And, The Mom said: Huh?! No sweetie, he said they’re gonna open the doors for us at 8am.
Me: Wait, really? Then why does my Megabus ticket say 6:10am. What does yours say?
The Mom: Oh. This ISN’T the Megabus line! This is the line for The Voice.
Me: Wait, what?! Really. Omg. I’m looking for the bus!
I took off– whoosh– hustling and rolling past the crowd behind us. A younger girl stopped me while I was running back up the hill (cursing & praying the bus hadn’t left yet! PLEASE, by the grace of God!) She nicely asked if they were letting people in who hadn’t reserved an audition spot, (which ironically I was almost one of those people!) I yelled to her as I ran:
I’M NOT ONE OF YOU.
So, basically: if my running out of the line with my wheeling suitcase to stop the Megabus, which hadn’t even started boarding yet, didn’t draw some eyes, then my yelling at the poor girl like she was an X-Men definitely got me noticed. And yet, I am still waiting for the producers of The Voice to call me up and make me a big star… I’m sure I left the audience of my fellow contestants thinking, who’s that girl.
And, if any of you future Britneys, Christinas or JT’s auditioning at The Voice in NYC today, really, totally, embarrassingly blow it… just remember, it could’ve been worse.
You could’ve been that girlwho thought she was waiting in line for the Megabus.
You’re probably thinking AS IF right now, but before you roll your eyes and click away, I actually have 20 very legitimate reasons! So, in honor of the 20-year anniversary of the way awesomest, totally best movie ever, here’s some like very solid reasons as to why I really, totally am the real-life Cher Horowitz! Just listen, okay?
1. Well, we both have blonde hair.
2. Unfortunately, we’re also both in the dead mom club.
3. I’m also half-Jewish, but to be fair I’m pretty sure Cher gets her jewish heritage from her dad’s side where as mine comes from my mama’s side. BUT STILL, it’s totally NOT way common or anything!
4. I also was super head-over-heels in love with a super cute guy in high school who turned out to be gay, which I was totally soclueless about. He was the lead in all the school musicals, had the nicest group of girl friends to hangout with, and was the star of our high school choir. I could not for the life of me figure out why he wasn’t way into me. I was sure my hair had fallen flat or something. But then, in college he started wearing way tighter pants and came out to the public.
5. I didn’t drive a jeep, so I can see why I like totally lose points for this one, but I was a terrible driver and DID FAIL my first driving test. But luckily, while wearing my most serious-looking outfit, I eventually passed (third times a charm, #amIright?!) and got to buzz around town w/ my besties in my Harvest Moon colored VW bug.
6. I also had my car before I had my real driver’s license. It was actually my boyfriend who took me out for driving lessons most of the time… which might explain why it took me a couple times to pass my driving test.
7. When I feel, “impotent and out of control, which I really HATE!” I head to the mall and do some major shopping… I guess you can say I totally shop my feelings.
8. I am a major Jane Austen fan– seriously! I did a book report in the fourth grade on my long-time favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice… it was a really good school.
9. I was ALWAYS TRYING and sometimes even totally succeeding in giving my friends makeovers… and yet, I still, for some reason, had friends believe it or not! (Oppsies! Sorry, guys!)
10. Whenever I see people with their legs crossed toward each other I always, always, think about how that’s an unequivocal sex invite.
11. I really did (and still do!) want to be 5’10 like Cindy Crawford. I’m still hoping.
12. Lots of people at my dad’s company (he just retired recently) were super afraid of him. My guy friends working in his stores would tell me about how even their managers would run and hide in the back when he walked into their stores… but, like Cher’s dad, he totally continues to argue with me for free, even into his retirement!
13. I wore high heels allllll four years of high school, and to this day, my bestie will NEVER LET ME LIVE THAT FACT DOWN… I even had two pairs of the same style but different colors so I could wear one of each on spirit days. It totally rocked… (please disregard ANYTHING my bestie has to say in regard to this!)
14. I waited til I was 16, like Cher, to have my first kiss from my very first real boyfriend… I had to make sure he was perfect, duh!
15. I wasn’t robbed at gunpoint or anything but one time someone hacked my debit card, which can be just as scary really if you think about it. Like, the NERVE! Luckily, thanks to my dad’s super secure bank, I was able to be like AS IF credit card frauds and totally get my money back! Crisis averted.
16. For better or for worse, I love crop tops.
17. I never argued or pleaded for better grades in high school… BUT I did enter a plead bargain to graduate and receive my college degree, which is kind of like a huge deal. I was failing Comm Law for like the second time, and so, I had to go in the day before graduation and beg my teacher to bump up the grade on a late paper so I could graduate. In my defense, you had to have like a C or above to get credit for the class! And I’d tried super hard but I can’t help it if media laws just aren’t my thing?! You know?! Luckily, she totally took pity on me, and let me pass so I could start at my new job the following Monday.
18. I am like a totalmatchmaker… In fact, one of my very best friends from college is now engaged to the absolute best guy because I pushed her (on purpose, duh) into him at a bar. He offered to buy her a drink and the rest is total, romcom-worthy history!
19. I had a dress copycat incident, too… but at prom. I just really can’t even talk about it, still, years later…
20. Finally, in case you can’t tell by reading through this list of ridiculous and totally silly reasons: I’m still a little bit Clueless. (But aren’t we all!?)